So, in summary:
- Clegg, who was quite possibly ginger as a child, missed the section of the public presenting course where they tell you never to stand with your hands in your pockets. Those who thought he had an overconfident manner obviously didn’t see the below the line action.
- DavCam has suspiciously smooth, pink skin and a possible hankering for pastel sweaters slung carelessly over his shoulders #justsaying
- GB has a deep-seated fear of male grooming and obviously scarpered half way through the eyebrow wax, leaving one side perceivably more hirsute than t’other.
The quick thinkers amongst you will note that all of my observations are exactly that…..it’s all about the visuals. They say nothing about the true nature of the man or, more importantly, his party politics. Our leadership battle has been turned into a superficial fright-fest and they’ve even dragged the wives along for the ride.
This wouldn’t have happened in Maggie’s day- can you imagine seeing Dennis, pimped, blinged and decked out in Nicole Farhi while the Mail rated his outfits? Of course he was there occasionally, but he wasn’t the main attraction. It’s laudable that our politicians have become so MOR that we’re forced to use their partners as distinguishing features.
Or maybe it’s just me? Because beyond my three keen-eyed observations, the rest of the debate was just noise. I was unable to decipher anything that was actually being said. The three stooges appeared to agree and disagree simultaneously and when Clegg said “this is a phony debate” it was the first time I felt like applauding.
I’ll reveal further ignorance by telling you that when I pick up my voting slips and sidle over to my ‘booth’, I always scan the list for familiar names and it always disappoints me that they’re not there. It frustrates me beyond belief that I don’t actually get to vote for the prime ministerial candidate!
There are lots of things that I enjoy about the whole circus though. The billboards are fantastic- pure theatre. The Guardian’s April Fool was a little piece of genius, I almost wished it were true. My only complaint is that it doesn’t go on long enough. We’re expected to sit through a summer watching 12 numpties picking their noses 24/7 and yet in a couple more weeks the most important event of the year will be all over.
You know what I’m thinking don’t you? That’s right, let’s push the election back, August 22nd has a nice ring to it. Give the BB house a good clean – is Vinnie Jones available with his marigolds? And send in three very special guests for 6 weeks of live, unscripted debate. Then the veils would fall and we’d see what we’ve been wanting to see all along.
Of course they’d need some company. I’m going to send in Bonnie Greer and Charlotte Church but there’s still room for 7 more – who would you chuck into the mosh pit?