It’s a prevailing emotion in my world. I fluctuate between having the confidence to speak my mind and stick my neck out when the situation requires, and paralysing paranoia that I’ve said or done the wrong thing, or that what I’ve said has been misinterpreted in some way.
The same thing applies when I’m writing, I (generally) like what I write because I know the pace that it should be read at, the irony that sometimes need to be applied and the motivation and back story for the whole thing. But my readers don’t and that could lead to confusion or even offence- neither of which are going to do me any favours.
In the last month or so, thanks to a good dollop of inspiration from Judith’s Room and some lovely people on Twitter I’ve started to write more about the things I want to write about, things that start to sketch out the full picture of who I am. I’ve also had conversations with people based purely on a series of 140 character tweets or comments left on blogs and it’s been hilarious at times although not always. I worry that people will misinterpret my statements, remembering only after I hit ‘send’ that they don’t ‘really’ know me, don’t have a clue that I’m not trying to offend but that my interpretation of things is not always in line with everyone else’s. I’ve tortured myself about whether I should go back and delete comments or tweets, finally reassuring myself that I’m really not that important and the likelihood of unwittingly offending someone is very slim- but still it prevails.
I wonder if it’s a ‘me’ thing or if it’s common to everyone? Is it an only child thing? Used to living life on the periphery, when you actually break in to something it’s all you can do not to gather up your petticoats and run screaming for the door marked ‘viewing gallery’…. I don’t like feeling this way but I do think it makes me more sensitive to other people’s feelings and maybe a touch more sympathetic at times, but generally it just makes me, well, weird!
It’s all come to a head today. I’m writing a short story and I’ve got an editor who, following an initial conversation, has expressed an interest in the concept. This has evoked the following thought process:-
1. OMG, amazing! He said he was interested! He didn’t say “that’s a hopeless idea, stop infecting my airspace with your whimsical nonsense”
2. OMG, I’ve only got 500 words on paper – I’ve got to write the rest now!
3. OMG, this is crap – no one is ever going to want to read this…
4. FML, who am I kidding?
5. *suicidal* I’m rubbish, everybody hates me…..
So now I have to give myself a good poke in the ribs and bloody well get on with it, but it’s not easy is it?