Today’s Blognonymous post is encouraging us all to shrug off the cloak of embarrassment and talk about sex before the 9pm watershed.  It’s a tricky subject but I’m sure it’s one that will resonate with many.

For this post I’ve made it easy for you to comment anonymously – so if there’s something you’d like to say but don’t necessarily want to ID yourself, please feel free. Thanks in advance for all your support.


6 months. That’s the longest we’ve gone without “doing it”. On more than one occasion.

Since we had our first son (4 years) it’s probably averaged out at once per quarter. Once a month if we’re lucky.

Over the past few months we’ve managed to up it to once a week. What’s changed? I told my hubby to persevere. You see, my sex drive has totally gone. I need a lot of warming up before I fancy the idea at all.

But we’ve been here before, so I’m not quite sure how long this one will last.

Women say you can fake it. But you can’t fake lubrication. And that doesn’t happen if you’re not in the mood. I think if I could just say to my husband “I’m fine with a quicky, get the K-Y out” all would be fine.

You see, I don’t need to have an orgasm for it to be okay. I quite like the physical intimacy.

But I can’t bring myself to say that. I don’t want to bruise his ego. If a man doesn’t come what’s the point? They assume it’s the same for you.

I have found myself thinking on many occasions “I wouldn’t mind at all if I had no more sex for the rest of my life”. It really wouldn’t bother me. And then I catch myself, and wonder whether that is really okay? I’m in my 30s. But it’s the truth.

There’s just so much to do, it all ends up feeling like a chore.

But I read the other day a woman’s sexual drive peaks again around 45/50. Did I say “read”? Actually I saw it in an episode of CSI when one investigator was explaining the meaning of “cougar” to another.

That gave me a bit of hope.

No Sex Please – we’re mothers
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22 thoughts on “No Sex Please – we’re mothers

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  • August 3, 2010 at 8:24 am

    ok I thought about commenting anon but it’s too early in the morn for that kind of techy trickery! You’ll probably guess who this is, and that’s cool I just don’t want linkbacks to my website!

    Just thought I’d encourage you that 1) if you’ve had dry patches before and come through them there’s every chance this one will be a dry patch too 2) men don’t expect women to come as long as they seem to be enjoying themselves! 3) libido definately improves with age.

    I was married to a man who had problems because of a medical disorder and I knew more about Viagra and Cialis than any 30 something should ever know. I did learn a few things about ensuring that I protected my own libido, as obviously I couldn’t rely on him ‘wanting’ me. Have you thought about spending time with yourself learning what turns you on, without any need to ‘perform’? The more often you experience orgasm the more you will feel it if you know what I mean. It really is a situation where you need to ‘keep your hand in’. Send yourself to self-love bootcamp. But make sure this is a solo activity until you feel more encouraged that when you spend time with your hubby that it will be a positive (not disappointing) experience for you both.

    Once you’re feeling a little more fired up you could try spending time with each other doing everything BUT intercourse. Massage, oral sex and um other activities can help to resensitise you to each other. Men can kind of get stuck on the buttering boobs and pushing the button approach to lovemaking and sometimes need reminding that we are arms and legs and back of necks as well. It can help to do something sensual together like a sauna or swimming, or just lying together naked.

    Whatever you do make it different from what you typically do.

    Sometimes it’s a matter of giving to him when you don’t feel like and then hey presto half way through you’ll find you want to join in.

    I’ve tried this before and it does work. Don’t forget that sex is also a great way of working off calories, raising endorphins, is excellent stress relief, it is a natural antidepressant and perfect for bonding.

    Oh and at 42 I can reassure you that the forties are indeed the very best time of my life sexually, so far!!

  • August 3, 2010 at 8:35 am

    I used to worry about not making love as it stopped a long time ago for me. Somehow I thought it was something I should be doing both for me & my OH. He has not missed it at all. Puts it down to the stress & tension we were going through at the time. We just never got back to it. I have to admit to feeling that I’m missing something especially as older couples now seem to enjoy sex much later. Not sure how we could get back to it!

  • August 3, 2010 at 9:00 am

    I heard on the radio once that women often don’t feel aroused until they are quite a way into things, which explains why I never seem to ‘feel’ like it. I guess there is maybe something to be said for giving it a whirl even when you don’t feel particularly in the mood.
    I know what you mean about not always needing to have an orgasm, but I’ve never found a way to explain that to my OH either.
    I think maybe we need to expect times when life gets on top of us and we let this area slide, just as sometimes it feels as if we don’t talk or spend time with our partners either. That’s always where it starts for me. I find when we are on holiday I am more in the mood, probably because we have just been hanging out together and I’ve remembered why I love him.
    Totally agree with Aunty V, just having closeness with the pressure off is a great aphrodisiac

  • August 3, 2010 at 9:00 am

    I can totally relate to this post. I too sometimes feel like sex is a chore and you have to have it to make the oh happy. I can’t give advice on this subject as I am where you are. But I can say your not alone. xx

  • August 3, 2010 at 9:19 am

    We’re in totally the same place as a couple (only not even close to being back up to once a week by any means!). I think men are so terrible at communicating what they want. My husband doesn’t really try to initiate anything, so I’ve just assumed he’s not really interested. I’m not feeling great about myself, so that suits me, but I do miss the physical intimacy. And I worry that it’s not normal. We get on great and I love him to bits, but I’m always paranoid that because we don’t have much sex anymore, we’re somehow not compatible?

    At the moment I go to bed because I’m tired and I want to sleep! Maybe we should start trying to go to bed a bit earlier “to read” and see what happens…

  • August 3, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Every article you read, it’s always about the man wanting sex but women losing interest. In my case, up until recently, it’s been the opposite.

    I used to have a very high sex drive, and could happily have sex a few times a day. Unfortunately my husband and I are mis-matched because his drive is much lower. I love passion, but the passion gene definitely bypassed him!

    We did used to have it a few times a week when we first met (only down to me) but it has got less and less each year. I’ve never been able to accept it and it’s caused so many rows, and a lot of resentment because he rarely initiates it. I also think the less you have it, the less you want it.

    At one point after my daughter was born we would only have sex every few months.
    I had a few miscarriages etc which put me off it and when you try for a baby, it definitely becomes more of a chore. I’d sometimes think it would be better to use a turkey baster!

    Our sex-life has got a lot better because we have both worked at it, but it’s never going to be like I really want it to be.

  • August 3, 2010 at 10:43 am

    Thanks Aunty V.
    I have to say though, (historically) i am no stranger to a one lady party, and i have had great sex in the past, no problem with orgasms etc etc it’s not a question of sex being disappointing and so not being particularly bothered for that reason. I just have zero sex drive. I am so tired, and there are so many other things to do, that even satisfying myself is the last thing on earth i would feel like. I just would quite happily not bother.
    I do agree, most wholeheartedly, that on the occasions i’ve gone with it, something does kick off about 5 mins in. But, like the latest commenter by the time i go to bed i’m exhausted and desparate for sleep. So most of the time i actively react against giving it a go!
    If only my kids woke up later than 6. i used to mostly be a morning sex person.

  • August 3, 2010 at 11:29 am

    I have to say as well that, if you’re not having much sex, there can be a whole guilt thing going on as well. Unless you’re somebody who can lie back and think of england (and i’m not, i always feel like a fake, and tbh a bit violated if i do it when i don’t want to), your husband not getting it makes you feel inadequate, guilty, vulnerable. Will he eventually go somewhere else if he doesn’t get it at home?

  • August 3, 2010 at 1:11 pm

    Have you had a check up? Maybe you are anemic, or have low B-12 or a dozen other medical reasons that can contribute to tiredness and /or low libido.

    It is worth checking it out.

  • August 3, 2010 at 3:29 pm

    I don’t think it’s a bad thing to ‘get the ky out’. We do occasionally – I think what someone said above about women not being ‘into it’ straight away is probably right. If you’re embarrassed you can always blame it on some vague women’t thing like a hormone imbalance or something…

    I remember feeling like I never wanted to have sex again, but then things change and you do feel different.

    And Susie is right, get yourself checked out too! xx

  • August 3, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    I completely relate to everything you are saying here! All I would add is that I do have sex with my husband without trying to achieve orgasm. I make it clear at the onset that it isn’t going to happen for me and he should just concentrate on himself. Funnily enough over time he has grown to accept that! He says he would prefer it if I was enjoying it and I do think this is true. However, he would hardly “get it” if he waited for that. So we have compromised. I would say my libido peaked at the end of my 30s and my 40s have been dry! I guess it’s different for everyone. Good luck.

  • August 3, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    For me, some of it was wrapped up in the issue of my body image and how my body changed after having children. Even now, I don’t feel as good as I did pre-children because I don’t feel like my body is back to the way it was before. I accept it will never be totally the same, but still….

    I think the humdrum existence of a mother of young children makes it wearing too and it’s easy to just want to sleep at bedtime. I also played avoidance in that I told my OH that I didn’t want him to initiate things if it was after midnight (so I got my 7 hours) but then, now, I never go to bed before midnight so I don’t know how much of it is me pushing him away from intimacy with him.

    Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s common but I suspect things improve as your children age but at some point, I suspect some effort will need to be put in if you want things to work again.

  • August 3, 2010 at 6:31 pm

    Can I comment not being a mum and just single-off??
    Reading the post and the comments made me think and…okay a bit scared too. Because is that where I am headed when starting a family?

    I honestly can’t imagine a few days without sex either by myself or with partner. For me it is a way to relax, enjoy intimacy, feel good about myself and my body and of my partner. Feeling that rush when having an orgasm (or two, or…:-)) is a total boost for self-confidence when feeling low. Of course there are times when the average is lower and I don’t believe sex is the most important thing in a relationship. However I do think that if you don’t have time to have sex then your daily routine should be different. We all want and need to do too much in a day. Before you know it the work-family-partner-life balance goes out of balance. And then, sooner or later, sex will become a very, or the important factor in the relationship.

  • August 3, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    sorry to say that the work-family-partner-life balance goes out the window once you have kids ;<)

  • August 3, 2010 at 8:21 pm

    I don’t think it’s necessarily inevitable that this is where you’re heading, but honestly – things change irrevocably once you have children. This doesn’t have to mean a complete end to your sexual relationship, and it’s impossible to predict what the effect will be as we’re all different. You don’t say how long you and your partner are together – but that’s a big factor too, every relationship matures in different ways but ultimately I think sex becomes just one of a list of important things in glueing you together – not the most important thing.

    To our original poster – I think there’s a massive amount of expectation placed on women in our increasingly sexualised society. We’re not only expected to leave the maternity unit looking like Heidi Klum, we’re expected to want to get right back down to it, without a thought for our poor, mangled nether regions. Add in sleepless nights, the general stresses of living on a reduced income, the long forgotten memory of the women we used to be and a reflection that screams “clad me in spanx” and it’s no wonder that our libido’s disappear off the radar.

    There’s some really good advice here, and I’d add that good communication is important – stress the point that your orgasm (or lack of) is about you and how you feel, it’s nothing to do with his ego. Be honest with yourself and try and release any stress or expectation that you’re placing on yourself. Eat well and exercise, and just let things ‘be’ for a while – but don’t box yourself off as a sexless woman – that mindset will prove pervasive.

  • August 3, 2010 at 9:49 pm

    I think hormones have alot to do with it and i know sleep, diet and excersise can have a massive effect on them. I have three children, within 3 weeks of giving birth to my 1st i was rampant and had some of the best sex i had ever had with my OH, after my 2nd we didnt have sex for 18 months (we did nearly split up), i was post-natally depressed and having a really hard time, i started therapy and began to feel myself again. Working through my anxieties helped me get my sex drive back! Buying a vibrator was one of the best things i did, as one of the other commenters said its like orgasms beget orgasms!

    I would recommend seeing a nutritionalist or iridologist who may be able to pick up if you are hormonally imbalanced in some way.

  • August 3, 2010 at 10:07 pm

    What is this sex of which you speak? I haven’t had a sexual partner in nearly a year, and it’s something I really miss.

    I can remember feeling as though I couldn’t care less if I never had sex again though. Breastfeeding and sleep deprivation did that to me every time. But now I’m starting to stare lustfully at anyone even remotely attractive that randomly crosses my path. Not good.

  • August 4, 2010 at 9:08 am

    Bloke point of view: talk about it. It’s cool. Of course, being mono-browed grunters we take a bit of time to be comfortable with long words but it’s the only way. And I’ve always thought it one of the great tests of Love to accomodate the post-kiddy, work-life-balance, body-image maelstrom of issues. Oh bloody hell…maelstrom…sh*t….back to the cave 😉

  • August 4, 2010 at 11:54 am

    Ugh, I’m only 19 and I feel the same… Though it has been a while, but it’s just boring to me 🙁
    Please, please tell me it gets better with age!

  • August 5, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    I angst about this. Worry that it’s not normal. And, like you, just enjoy the closeness. I can feel it building if we don’t have sex for a couple of weeks, we need it, that contact to get back to us, to remind ourselves that we aren’t just busy parents. I would love to go to therapy or something, buy a book, do something about my lack of sex drive but it’s a scary thing to face up to, a biggie. Thanks so much for these few words, if only to tell me that I’m not the only one x

  • August 5, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    I think there is a point in our lives were we become complacent – it’s sometime around the point of having children, being ultra busy and incredibly tired. I do think that you have to make time for each other (date night?) and learn how to be together all over again and shut yourself off from all those stories about people doing it 6 times a night and swinging from lampshades because it’s just not true… they’d wake the kids anyway 😉 Talk to your partner – he may feel the same. And good luck with it all.

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