….and that’s an ex-husband.
So spoke a very lovely and wise friend of mine in a tea shop in Stow-on-the-Wold this time last year.
I’ve been lucky that my experience hasn’t been anything like that, but I’ve put the world to rights with separated and divorced friends often enough since to know that in general terms Heather was bang on with her observation. When you’re married, regardless of your relationship, there’s a certain amount of card-holding that disappears as quickly as the tide-mark on your ring finger when you cross over onto separation street.
Over the last year writing my blog became impossible. Not only because of the logistical and financial pressures of lone parenting – the stark reality that the buck really does stop with you, and that working till 3am is all very well but you still have to drag yourself out of bed at 7.30 the next day to make packed lunches and find spelling books. But more because you’re busy facing the fact that every blip in your children’s behaviour will be your fault because you broke up their family unit. That actually you don’t want to blog about the big stuff, but the small stuff just seems so meh and disengenous when you’re busy trying to stop your life from disappearing into the crevasse between the washing and ironing piles.
As a quick recap; in the last year we’ve left the family home – the forever house that had bags of potential but truckloads of stress-inducing financial strain. It’s been sold, and is now somebody else’s problem / dream home. I drove past it a couple of months ago thinking I’d feel a sense of relief. I was wrong. I still felt an overwhelming sense of failure and the children still wanted to stop and go and play in ‘our garden’. Bugger.
We’ve moved twice since then, three times if you include the lifeline thrown to me by one of my best friends to house sit while she and her family were away for an extended break last Easter. The first house we rented after that was borne of desperation – demand far outstrips supply locally – but through luck and a bit of tenacity I found a house being renovated after a tenant had been evicted and was given first refusal. It was cold – huge, unforgiving single pane windows let in even the humblest of breezes, the shower mocked the very idea of ‘pressure’ and the cast iron bath had to be filled with scalding water even to hold its temperature for more than a minute. Other than that it was perfect, and more importantly it was a place to build from.
Last month we moved again. To the house next door. And now things are looking up – we have double glazing, and underfloor heating, and a power shower. All things that make our ‘home’ feel just a little more homely. My children, who have been through more change in the last year than I would ever have wished on them (and yes that’s my fault, and yes I feel horribly guilty because of it) have adjusted to their new life, philosophised about the changes, accepted them and we’re happy. I’m not saying that they wouldn’t be happier if their parents were living under the same roof, I’m sure in lots of ways they probably would, but I have to believe that little voice that tells me that happy children need happy parents and that this is the best place for all of us.
I appreciate that there’s a long way to go yet, but a year on it feels like we’ve made a lot of headway. If there’s one thing that’s helped it’s a prompt by a very nice man at the CAB early on – that every decision we make, we make for the sake of our children. So even when things got fraught we brought it back to that and worked it through. And it’s worked. Not without compromise and I’m sure not without a goodly amount of teeth gnashing at times. But so far, so good…
I’m really glad you’re here again and it feels now possible to share your words.
My parents separated and at the time I just wanted our ‘old’ home but do I think they made the best decision? Absolutely.
My husband’s sat down to tell him at aged 8 that they were going to separate and he said he didn’t want them to. They said ok we won’t. Are they happy now? Absolutely not. It’s just awful to see. Two people who stuck together for the sake of their child and it kills him, they clearly dislike each other, such a waste.
Onwards and upwards my love X
I absolutely believe that children are better off with happy separated parents, than they are with parents who are together but miserable.
And look at how hard you’ve worked in the past year to provide your family with a happy, stable, comfortable home. They’ll remember that, and admire you for it.
Goodness me what a lot has happened to you all! No wonder I’ve not seen you around. It is good to read that things are moving in the right direction. Little buttons will always keep you focused. We still have to have that cuppa don’t we?!
All power to you, my friend. And as long as you work through the decisions you make they will always be the right ones. Love you loads xx
Hi Paula, I had no idea that you had been through all of this in this past year. Well done for coming through the what is probably the hardest time. Glad things are more stable for you and the kids now. We do as mums exist for our kids a lot of the time and your kids were great when they visited. Do call again if in this neck of the woods ( no excuse, your folks are here).xx
I was here, with a hug and a grin and a ‘nice to see you’. Mine separated when I was 9, best thing ever. x
The first thing that came to mind when I read the title was…two husbands!
My parents divorced when I was 10 and my younger brother 8. Shortly after, in a wife swap-esque situation my Dad got together with my best friend’s mum and my mum with my best friend’s dad. Confusing as it all was at the time and so very hard and sad at times I look at where we are now as a family and I am glad that they were strong enough to admit when something was wrong and do the hard thing. We have all been much much happier in the long run because of it.
All I can do is nod my head and say, I know. I know.
xxxx
PS I love the new digs and what you’ve done with the place. 😉
Loving the American Typewriter and loving the cautiously optimistic tone. Gigantic squishy hugs.
Thank you lovely. I hope I’ll get to that place too and yes, it’s much preferable the alternative – too sad x
This is in that fantasy world where children appreciate all of their children’s efforts?! But having watched my children closely over the last year I think they are ok, and happy. I hope it continues…
Absolutely!
Thanks Nic, that’s a lovely thing to say. love you xx
Thanks Caroline, and I will do! xx
Ah my lovely friend, thank you x
LOL! Yes that’s the alternative title! I’ve often thought about your story and mused on how difficult it must have been for everyone at the time, but I agree that being honest and working towards a positive future is always the best option x
Mwah. Thanks you x
Why thank you kind lady x
Thank you Rachael x
my 8 year old screamed at me that she wanted to go “home” on Saturday. We have been in this house for nearly 18 months but the former family home was the only one she had known. In some ways the fact my kids’ dad buggered off to the USA with his new partner makes things less stressful except for the fact my daughter misses her dad (my son was too young to remember)