Today I am tired.  To my deepest core, tired.  Even raising a smile feels like an effort and all I really want to do is curl up like a toddler and hope that someone airlifts me to my bed. 

Days like this are hard. The 4yo ran into a handrail after school, she’d come out all smiles and happiness and minutes later she was sobbing with a swollen eye. It was all I could do not to join her.

This stupid cold holds firm with its grip, snatching my appetite and making any food preparation feel like torture.  Typically the mirror image doesn’t reflect this, in fact if anything I look more bloated and cyclindrical.

I’m tired of the energy it takes to stay on an even keel, to ignore life’s injustices and build barriers against the moral and physical wrongs that go on around me.  I feel old, lacking the vigour of my former self.  I see things that make me want to scream and yet I know I don’t have the staying power to see them through so I sit in quiet disagreement.

I’m making plans, plans that involve changes to how I look after myself. I’m tired of feeling wretched and dripping with lethargy, it’s time to shed that skin and stop pretending that the habits I’ve developed over the last three decades aren’t affecting the way I feel.  I know that I’m sensitive to lactose and yet I gorge on chocolate and cheese.  Bread turns me into Mr Stay-Puft, a fact that I ignore and carry on regardless.

I know how lucky I am. Being surrounded by wonderful family and friends makes me want to appreciate my life, to make the most of it.  I’ve been following Rosie’s journey lately, meeting people who have little choice and nothing to take for granted.  It makes humbling reading and I’d recommend you take a minute to have a look.

In 2 years I’ll be 40.  I have only minor issues with that fact. What I want though is to be in every sense  Fit for Forty – this is the start…

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10 thoughts on “Tired

  • October 7, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Ooof, first a hug [non contact, I’m British]

    Colds are THE PITS. Seriously, like a kind of evil djiin sent to try us mere mortals. Not ill enough to take to our beds permanently, but ill enough to feel like death and think you’ll never get over it. Seriously, the…pits. xxxx

    40? HA. It’s a matter of weeks for me. I don’t care, it’s just another birthday, another year. but it’s a sobering thought to know that my 3 score years and 10 are more than half over. And yet my children are still so young (5 and 3). I would love to be thinking about floating around on a cruise drinking myself to death sometime soon, but my kids need me.

    I didn’t really make a ‘plan’ to smarten up, get fit, eat better ,drink less. But it’s kind of happened by stealth. MrSpud was diagnoses with slightly high cholesterol and he is In Charge of cooking so our diet changed. Then I wrecked my back so pilates came in to my life. Then I took up cycling. The drinking? That’s my bete noir to be honest, but there are Actual Days when I don’t drink. And I totally know my limits. But I am seriously considering giving up for good.

    A very good friend of mine died last year, aged 51, from complications due to being hugely overweight and drinking too much. He left 4 children. It was devastating, all from being fat and lush. His youngest child was 3 at the time. Such a wake up call.

    Sorry to put a downer on it all, but it’s a topic on my mind. None of us know what the future holds and the temptation is to ‘eat now and be merry’ etc etc. But, then, there are things that we can do to be healthier which (in the end) is good for everyone.

    Although a little of what you fancy will ALWAYS do you good in my book xx

    Of course, I hate you for being so young. DAMN YOU xxx

  • October 7, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Gorgeous girl, if I could give you a hug in person I would. And a non-dairy latte. And a non-sugar, non-fat cake.

    Shit. Just realised how I use food to comfort others and not just myself. May explain a few things. I feel a shedding of skin coming on here too.

    Be well my lovely. Chin up, Friday tomorrow. Woo Hoo! (Just remember. The kids are less talc making trouble when they can OD on cartoons and rich tea biccies. Seriously, it works in our house. Just don’t tell the grown ups ok?)

    MD xx

  • October 7, 2010 at 8:20 pm

    OK, I’m not saying I disagree with the essence of the post, because I don’t. But you are ill, and therefore feeling miserable. I know you know this, but I think it bears repeating. No one feels good about themselves when they are ill. Concentrate on getting better and then sort the other stuff out. So please, go to bed and get some sleep. Alright? Good xxx
    PS on the counting blessings front, at least you don’t still have nits xxx

  • October 7, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    I’m with Victoria on this one. I’ve had a rotten cold this week too and have been in a slew of despond. Work and home and school have ranged between uninteresting and intolerable. I shaved my 40 year old chin for the first time in a week today. That is what it does to you.

    Get better and look again with fresh eyes. Not for nothing, there are people who would kill to look like you. Okay? Now go to bed. *pats head*

  • October 7, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    This time of year is always difficult – I find the change of the seasons make me feel utterly rubbish (I sit here with skin like a 13 year old… sigh)

    A little bit of what you fancy does you good and every thing in moderation… my 95 year old Gran holds by this and I guess it works

    Just need to find a way to balance my like of a glass of red with an inability to say no…

  • October 7, 2010 at 11:03 pm

    Oh P! You write so sadly. It is the cold/flu/lurgy that is making you feel like this. We all go through it when we are even a little off kilter. However, it is good you have written it down because when you are fit & well (very soon) you will be able to read it & that will help that bounce be even higher! *Hugs & a virtual duvet to snuggle in*

  • October 8, 2010 at 6:43 am

    Awwww lovely Paula. Thanks for the mention. It’s not surprising you’re feeling tired, and being ill on top of everything else is bound to leave you feeling rubbish. I feel tired and old today and a little under the weather. This time of year doesn’t help, as Hannah says. Hugs my friend, look after yourself. Hope you start to feel better soon xxx

  • October 8, 2010 at 7:26 am

    Sorry you’re feeling so tired, take care of yourself.

    Btw, 40? Pah. I laugh at your 40. I’m staring down the barrel of 50. Oh my god.

  • October 10, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    I feel the same at the moment. Am thinking I want to look good and take care of myself but I just cant say no to the cake and the chocolate. My jeans are getting tighter and I am wondering what to do. However soon I will be able to hide under a jumper. Winer looming is a good time to care of yourself – homemade soups and early nights – go treat yourself. Hope you feel better soon Paula

  • October 11, 2010 at 7:07 am

    I could have wrote this blog post. I am feeling very sorry for myself at the momnet. I hope you find a way out of that skin and able to find a new one.

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