Do have a parenting ‘style’? Does everything have to follow the same regimented rule book or did you throw away the handbooks within the first week and adopt a libertarian attitude? Maybe you’re a new parent, wondering which box to put yourself into?

Here’s your one-stop-parent-spotters guide….

The Perfect Parent

A joy to behold, the PP is always immaculately turned out and never to be seen having a meltdown with a fractious toddler in the school playground. The PP is enduringly friendly, appears to be endlessly contented and is genuinely happy to be reunited with their child at the end of the day.  This is always a reciprocal gesture and you can only look on, mortified, as the PP and child engage in meaningful conversation whilst you scream at your own to pick up their sweater and stop kicking their sister.  The PP often has only one child, making you question on a daily basis why on earth you didn’t push for the vasectomy after number 1.

The Invisible Parent

The IP is an elusive character, rarely spotted in the wild.  While their child is biting/kicking/strangling the life out of yours there are often ‘around the corner’ or ‘in the KS2 playground’. There is whispered talk of an exclusive IP club where they discuss how best to avoid righteously earnest parents and argue that 8 hours of TV a day never harmed a child.  Inevitably, the offspring of the IP are without fail the most popular in the class.

The ‘Been There, Seen It, Done It’

The BTSIDI has lived through every parenting challenge that you could possibly imagine. Happy to share, it’s easy to forget what your original concern was as the BTSIDI launches into a tirade containing such shocking detail that you’re left clinging onto the nearest bike rack, ruing the day you tossed your contraception in the bathroom bin. The BTSIDI has no interest in your opinions…..just getting through the day is hard work enough, taking on your issues is not an option.

The Bewildered Parent

Often seen wondering around with a ‘Where did I leave my children?’ look about them, the BW has absolutely no idea how they came to arrive at this point in time.  One minute the BW was tripping barefoot around Glastonbury and the next she’s got three children and a killer mortgage.  Best treated with caution, the BW is liable to spontaneously combust at any moment.  The kindlier amongst you will gently lead the BW to the nearest tea and cake stop, the harsher will tish and pfft and generally suggest they ‘get a grip’.

The Control Freak

Earplugs at the ready around the CF. Every day is a military operation with no room for negotiation.  The CF has a singular outlook on child-rearing and even the squarest peg will be forced through the round hole.  Convinced that any deviation from the script will hasten the apocalypse, the CF refuses to buckle under even the most persuasive of peer pressure – keep a tight grip on your subconscious or before you know it you’ll be whistling Edelweiss and asking if all of the children’s clothes are made from curtains. 

The Apologetic Parent

The AP knows that they are rubbish at this parenting lark, they have read every childcare manual published and still can’t quite get it right.  It’s evident in every gesture, every sigh and wince.  As they race along to get to the classroom door before it closes, the air around them chimes with “Sorry darling, I forgot it” and “Oh no, that’s my fault, I’ll bring it back later”.  The children of the AP are practically feral, they have broken down every defence and sense victory is very close now – never look them in the eye, they’ll take you down in an instant.

The Aurally Challenged Parent

A close relative of the IP, the ACP is apparently the only living being within a 3 mile radius who cannot hear the screams of its child.  More than happy to continue a conversation whilst ignoring decibels that would shake Big Ben lose from its casing, the ACP takes selective hearing to a whole new level.  Friendship with an ACP will generally mean that you take on the role of listening to their child(ren). This is often no bad thing – chances are they are much more engaging than your own, whose conversation seems to begin and end with “Can I have an ice-cream mumeeeee?”.

The “I’d Home Educate if I had more time” Parent

The (redacted) HEP is vociferously critical of the school system.  To summarise; the teachers/governors/ofsted inspectors/government know NOTHING.  Their child(ren) may as well not be at school at all for all the good it’s doing them.  They are constantly piqued that the welfare of their perfect offspring is not being put before the 586 other numpties and require daily feedback from the teachers as to their ‘progress’. The HEP has ‘given serious thought’ to home educating, generally whilst watching Jeremy Kyle and wondering where the day disappeared to.

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There are many, many more of course.  But which are you?

If you wondering which one I am, I’ll tell you – I’m all of them, or I have been at difference stages of this roller-coaster we call parenthood (with the exception of the PP).  It’s a hellish ride at times, often requiring a sick-bag and/or crash helmet but the best thing that we can do is lose the judgemental stance.  It’s easy to look in at someone else’s parenting style and criticise,  I know I’ve done it.  We all have our good days and bad days, and when those bad days come, a sympathetic smile and an ‘I’ve so been there’ nod can make all the difference…..

What kind of a parent are you?!

67 thoughts on “What kind of a parent are you?!

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:14 pm
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    I think I’m currently the apologetic parent… But as she’s only 18 months she’s not quite feral yet…

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:21 pm
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    I can hold my hands up to all of them, except the first one. I am never ever perfectly turned out, if a item of clothing has less than four sick/food/snot stains on it then it is fit to wear outside the door! I laughed my way through the list though, thank you for that 😀 Jen

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:24 pm
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    Oh typical, I don’t fit into any of these. What does that mean?

    I don’t read parenting books, believe in trusting your gut instinct, a stickler for good manners, need my girls to understand that they’re the children and not in charge, I like a routine, need boundaries, but equally enjoy saying sod it lets go and get ice-cream in pyjamas if only to see my boy’s face who is a CF to the core.

    Do PP’s really exist do you think. Also, perfect in whose eyes? I think being the child of a PP would be well boring.

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:26 pm
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    I’m a Firefighting Parent. Only the daily ‘fires’ get dealt with. Everything else gets put on the ‘to do’ list. Funny how after a few months, most of it doesn’t seem to matter much anymore.

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:27 pm
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    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha – that’s me by the way, doing that PMSL thing. So funny, I always love a good mocking of parenting styles. Like you, I am all of the above. Save for PP, though, I admit there have been times (esp in Singers) when some people thought I was. That’s what having live in help does for you. Makes you the Penelope Pitstop of Perfect Parenting. No wonder it always came as such a shock to these women when they realised I was the wearing antichrist of parenting.

    MD xx

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:32 pm
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    Do you not have the ‘wig-challenged parent’?

    Just asking, you know.

    Otherwise very easy to guess which one I am: the absent-control-freak-but-definitely-not-aurally-challenged parent.

    S’long anonymity!

    LCM x

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:32 pm
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    Er, it means you’re normal! I think our boys share the CF tendencies. I’ve seen PPs with my own eyes – they shine like angels, and probably go home, shout at their kids and have a breakdown that someone’s finished all the cheerios *coughs*

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:34 pm
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    I bet you really did look the part out there, but yes it’s good to know that you’re just as lacking as the rest of us 😉 xx

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:34 pm
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    LOL x

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:35 pm
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    Isn’t that what to-do lists are for? Nobody actually ‘does’ anything on their to-do list, surely?!

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:36 pm
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    Ha at the clothes – that’s what I forgot! xx

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:37 pm
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    It’s good to apologise, but not about everything – forgive yourself your foibles, Moo definitely will xx

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:39 pm
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    Oh dear – I definitely fit into the BTSIDI catagory (we call it the “BTDTBTTS” – Been There, Done That, Bought The T-Shirt). But I have – I’ve done it all… and there’s probably more to come!!!

    Great post (as usual), P x

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:41 pm
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    I’m going to have to do a follow-up post aren’t I?! So you’re The ACFBDNACP – verily trips off the tongue x

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:45 pm
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    LOL Nic, but you really have BTDTBTTS!! And you’re lots more besides… xx

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:54 pm
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    Haha! Excellent post. I was pimping myself up for the Perfect Parent for a deluded moment there, and then I came across the The Bewildered Parent. Definitely me.

  • June 30, 2010 at 9:56 pm
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    Bewildered, bemused and better off chowing down on chocolate (and checking whether her skirt is tucked into her pants). Is that a thing?

    If not you can tick the box that says – Never knowingly leaves the house with snacks, drinking bottles or a change of clothing for the kids. But always has a credit card for emergencies. Okay, okay I’m one of those mums who rely on the kindness of strangers – wet wipes, haven’t carried since the bean was tiny and today a mum at the gates lent me sun cream for my youngster. And let’s face it – it’s a heat -wave, why can I not remember sun cream? Don’t mention the hat. The nursery hats have nits too. Everyone knows it.

  • June 30, 2010 at 10:03 pm
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    LOL, you’re doing well to even entertain the thought of the PP…the BW is a good choice – I’ve deffo got a soft spot for her 🙂

  • June 30, 2010 at 10:05 pm
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    That will deffo feature in my follow-up….. aka The Meeja Parent – you do make me laugh lady 🙂

  • June 30, 2010 at 10:32 pm
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    LOL!! It was a self-portrait! Although, yes – if you’re happy to talk to my children while I’m away with the fairies I’d be very appreciative. x

  • June 30, 2010 at 10:50 pm
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    Guilty as….

  • July 1, 2010 at 6:35 am
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    I do. If I write it down, I HAVE to do it. It’s a compulsion.

  • July 1, 2010 at 6:42 am
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    Hello Penelope Pitstop! Nice to see you again.

    I vaccilate wildly between control freak and invisible. Keeps them on their toes at any rate. I can also do aurally challenged if necessary. You are definitely bewildered. How did you come by those children again?

  • July 1, 2010 at 6:53 am
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    I am bewildered and apologetic. Without the big fat mortgage. See you on Saturday 😉

  • July 1, 2010 at 7:00 am
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    What a brilliant post! i love the way it is written.
    i think i’m the bewildered parent. I would go so far as to say (for sure) that the perfect parent doesn’t exist. In fact i reckon deep down most of us are the bewildered parent type, the other types just reflect how we try to put ourselves across. Some are better at putting on a mask than others. Obviously with my confessional blog i’ve pretty much thrown that mask in the bin! Others do seem more reluctant to let their mask ever slip.

    http://marketingtomilk.wordpress.com

  • July 1, 2010 at 7:19 am
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    Excellent post! i think i’m probably a mixture of the bewildered, the apologetic and the invisible. I tend to think of it as the ‘slap dash’ parenting method.

    And what’s wrong with feral kids anyway, at least they know how to look after themselves 😉

  • July 1, 2010 at 7:42 am
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    P and R – I want my son to go to school with your kids. It’s the obvious solution. So, if you could…

    1 tell me which school it is
    2. find us a house to live in
    3 always be at school gates with small snack boxes and sun cream (for my son, you can do yours too though if you like)
    4 ….and chocolate for me. Green and Blacks or similar. No rubbish please.

    Then that would be just lovely, thanks x

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:24 am
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    Starting out I wanted to be a pp and was probably something of a control freak. I read everything, did everything by the book and was always checking what we should be doing next. Now the books have gone out the window, the ‘your baby at wk…’ clog up my inbox and I’m thankful to make it through each day as it comes, all of us relatively unscathed! Don’t tell anyone tho 😉

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:31 am
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    Well, you know, it was late when I read the post, she’d been in bed a while and I’d been drinking cider all evening. Actually re-reading, the only thing I have in common with the PP is only having one child! I showed your post to my OH this morning and asked him which one I was. As soon as he saw the BP, he laughed his socks off. So guess that’s it confirmed. So, cake you say….?

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:43 am
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    Yes dear *takes gently by the elbow*.. walk this way….

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:44 am
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    I miss her Victoria, I really do….

    I didn’t see control freak in you – you are Chilled Out Parent – coming to a blog post near you soon. Why is everyone so convinced that I’m bewildered? I thought I was keeping it together!

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:48 am
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    LOL – can’t wait xx

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:49 am
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    Good point Henrietta, that’s what I always say – It’s hard enough as it is, don’t pretend it’s anything but!

    Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:50 am
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    Great post! Not sure that I’m one but bits of allof them aprt from (I hope) the invisible & aurally challenged. There are far too many of those around here though!!

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:50 am
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    …just don’t look them in the eyes – that’s all I’m saying 😉

    Thanks H x

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:52 am
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    There’s one massive flaw in that plan – lovely as it sounds…..we don’t live in London, and the closest thing to the mother-ship is MK shopping centre – it does have a very nice John Lewis mind x

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:55 am
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    Dropping off No1son at school this morning was so much more entertaining, popping an invisible post-it note on each parents forehead with a BW here and a BTSIDI there.
    Considering whether to share with a couple of other like minded mums or will that result in a post-it note on my forehead? hmm, will consider further.

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:00 am
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    I have been all of them AND any others that don’t have names! But now nearly at the other end of parenting, am sticking with bewildered. I’m still not quite sure how I got 4 of them to near adulthood, so that counts as bewildered, right?
    But was definitely never a PP, never in a million years!

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:03 am
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    Ha – that’s so true….just getting through each day is a success in my book. And the manuals make excellent kindling for the fire in the winter 🙂

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:04 am
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    The thing is they could be the ones who spend at minute at home digging around in the craft box and engaging with their children, whilst the rest of us mess around on Twitter and write gently mocking blog posts – who knows? x

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:07 am
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    That sounds dangerously like you’re falling into Apologetic Parent territory! Never show them your weaknesses! Read your post – I’ve got Nick Knowles on redial…… glad you’re going to LCM’s place and can shower in luxury x

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:11 am
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    LOL! Share away, so long as you end up with tea and cake….. x

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:16 am
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    Ha, I sense a potential meme coming on! You should deffo substitute proud for bewildered – you’ve got the coolest looking brood I ever saw! x

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:21 am
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    I’m PP. No, I am!…Really! Stop laughing!

    Actually I am SO not!

    Bewildered, confused, occasional spurts of contol freakery, try to be consistent, making it up as I go along, eating a lot of cake and drinking a lot of tea. I like to think I’m in charge but rather suspect that The Tall One has been in charge since Day1 and is just playing along.

    Brilliant post (this one should go to a magazine…pitch it!) x

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:23 am
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    Ok before I can answer, I first need to find out what a parent is. I’m thinking it’s the person who looks after the little people that eat everything in your house, can leave a trail of destruction and emit some very questionable smells every so often?

    …I’m thinking this rules out PP.

    Damn.

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:36 am
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    Chris I’ve always had you pegged as a PP!

    I think you’ve got it bang on, there’s no point even pretending really is there? Shouting “I’m in charge” just reduces them to giggles and benevolent smiles….

    Ah, you’re a flatterer ye really are *said in faux Irish accent – don’t tell Jencull*

    xx

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:36 am
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    Of course you’re keeping it together, but you do still wish you were at Glastonbury, right?

    And yes, I am actually quite chilled out (or negligent, whichever you prefer) but I have an unsettling streak of control freakiness. The two don’t go well together.

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:37 am
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    *nods sympathetically, hands over a bacon sandwich followed by tea and cake*

    xx

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:39 am
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    S’true *sobs queitly*…

    …I have the CF gene too, it’s a PITA….negligent would be so much quieter….

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:59 am
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    What a fantastic post and you know what I too am all and none at the same time. This motherhood lark is so hard and last night I came down to the same level as my five year old, kicking and screaming and it wasnt pretty. I think we all need to learn which battles wwin the war!!

  • July 1, 2010 at 9:59 am
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    oh this was brilliant 🙂 i recognised every one of those parents – my own parents were several kinds, often at the same time – no wonder i decided at about 2 never to have my own 🙂

    I particularly recognised the aurally challenged parent – with our mother, we resorted to saying “MRS SMITH!” (not her real name, i promised not to out her) instead of Mum, cos she didn’t answer to that, having successfully tuned out our noise.

  • July 1, 2010 at 10:04 am
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    I have been many of the above, especially after 32 years the ‘BTDISI’ it’s inevitable after four children! But mostly I feel I’ve been the ‘Inadequate Parent’ My children have witnessed and been subjected to so many different methods of parenting. I have had my ‘Laura Ashley phase, the healthy eating years, the restricting telly, the baking years, the ‘let’s do everything as a family’ times, and many others. The fact that my children have survived virtually unscathed, into adulthood is a small miracle and I feel is despite me and not because of me! So whatever parenting style you are, don’t worry too much, they’ll turn out OK in the end.

  • July 1, 2010 at 10:09 am
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    Ha and that’s often the hardest part! I’ve done the same and occasionally it’s worth it just to shake things up a bit, but I’m also finding that they best times are when we all muddle along, that’s when the really special moments appear. x

  • July 1, 2010 at 10:55 am
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    I am striving for Control Freak (those Von Trapp children are feral compared to my ideal offspring), but suspect I am mainly a mix of bewildered and aurally challenged – my eldest has resorted to calling me by my first name, as “mummmeeeeee” tends to fall on deaf ears.
    Sigh.
    Must try harder…

  • July 1, 2010 at 11:11 am
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    I’m clearly the schizophrenic parent, as I have multiple personalities, ranging from perfect to apologetic to control freak to bewildered.

  • July 1, 2010 at 5:31 pm
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    *coughs* I heard that!! Needs a LOT of work m’dear 😀

  • July 1, 2010 at 6:47 pm
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    Very clever….oh I’m definitely a PP, BTSIDI and ACP all mixed together to make a complete mess. ;0) Love the post. XX

  • July 1, 2010 at 7:59 pm
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    I think we’re mostly an amalgam – and not necessarily consistent at all! LOL at ‘Mrs Smith’ – classic! 🙂

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:01 pm
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    and therein lies a very real truth…. they survive despite us! The best that we can do is give them a little push in the right direction xx

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:02 pm
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    You need a whistle – every Captain needs a whistle, and cake – you obviously need lots of cake 🙂

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:02 pm
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    *cough* that’s normal then…. well done *cheers wildly* xx

  • July 1, 2010 at 8:03 pm
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    LOL – with 5 children I’d say you’re allowed to be! Thanks Nova xx

  • July 1, 2010 at 10:04 pm
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    Ah you see I think I’m trying to create a whole new category – the you haven’t got a clue about me so stop trying to categorise parent

    I like to think of myself as AP, anti-CIO, breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping, full time working, nanny using mum…. go find me a category!

  • July 2, 2010 at 5:07 am
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    LOL-except for the I’d school at home one, I think I have been a mix of all of those. No matter my kids are confused lol.

  • July 4, 2010 at 1:31 pm
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    Hilarious post! I’m hoping that I’ll be the PP, but I’m sure everyone thinks that when they are child free!

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